Vaheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Vaheguru Ji Ki Fateh !!
I grew up 'somewhere' not knowing much about Sikhi except during our occasional Punjabi classes up until grade 3 where our extremely rude Punjabi Teacher would force us to sit and read Sakhis in Punjabi in such a way where I would just not want to learn and would rather concentrate on joining school sports teams since that was a ‘big thing’ at our school. All of the ‘popular’ kids would join sports teams and then party after practices or games (keeping in mind this is grade 5/6). Although we came from a line of many Chardikala Gursikhs, my family was not much into practicing Sikhi except my Grandma.
I have an older brother and a sister. My sister and I always got along with occasional sisterly fights, however, when it came to parents, I always felt insecure about myself around her. I was constantly being put down (intentionally or unintentionally, I can’t say) about my appearance. My sister was always a ‘princess’ and ‘so beautiful’ and ‘perfect’ in their eyes whereas I was ‘putting on too much weight on my thighs’ had a nose that was ‘too big’ my face was ‘too long’. I started applying make-up at a pretty young age thinking it would help me look ‘better’ and more ‘pretty’. I would get mixed messages like family saying one thing and my friends saying the opposite but them being family, I chose them to be saying the ‘truth’. In grade 4, I was so insecure about facial hair that I plucked my eyebrows from the centre and a bit on the sides. My parents asked me if I had done my eyebrows that day to which I replied coldly ‘no, I’m busy doing work’. That night was the night my grandma told us the Sakhi about Bhai Taru Singh Ji (my grandma would tell us a sakhi every night if we recited a few verses from Japji Sahib by heart). That Sakhi touched every possible inch of my soul, the guilt killed me inside and I never did my eyebrows again. Unfortunately, eyebrows were the only thing I did not do after that Sakhi. As time went on, shaving, waxing, electrolysis, etc. were introduced and I forced myself to put my guilt behind me and try and create an image that I thought would please others.
In grade 7 we moved to 'another city'. Attending a school in which most of my friends were extremely ‘fashion conscious’, I too became involved with all that. Wearing make-up, cutting/styling my hair, ‘dressin to impress’ was a normal, everyday routine. The girls who taught me how to apply ‘just the right amount of eyeliner and eye shadow combinations’ were now looking at me to ask me to teach them how to do the whole ‘3 line design’. I was getting caught up in trying to make myself look ‘pretty’, to ‘fit-in’.
High school began and I was the same. I have always had more guy friends than girl friends but high school was a turning point in which guys would claim to receive ‘signals’ and the idea of dating was floating around. Getting asked out by a guy is a major thing in high school, especially if it’s by the ‘thugs’ whom every girl would feel she ‘wanted’, to be the girlfriend of a ‘thuglife, gangsta Punjabi boy’. To be asked out by these guys, wearing the tightest/most revealing clothes imaginable, having cut hair, and make-up is a must. Giving into these ‘expectations’ of a typical Punjabi girl, I too decided that is what I need to do to fit in. I knew deep down no guy would fall for who I am on the inside, but my outward appearance, however, I still went ahead and did all that, since that is what I thought would bring me happiness. I would wear a baggy jacket before leaving the house in early years of high school, and go to school and throw that jacket in the locker. During my later years, I would skip the ‘hiding what I’m wearing’ from my parents because I realized they can lecture me, scold me, and tell me that I shouldn’t care about looks, but other than that they couldn’t do much. I would just blame them in return saying it is their fault why I am the way I am and they should have thought twice before making comments about my appearance. I would say many harsh things to my parents and blame them that they never paid attention while I was younger, so why start caring now, and to let me life my life the way I wanted to live it.
My first boyfriend was in grade 10. I thought I knew everything. I thought I was mature, I thought I was in ‘love’. I would lie to my parents saying I was going somewhere and go somewhere else. I risked getting caught many times. I was so caught up because this guy told me he ‘loved’ me that I put many things on the line. I would skip school to be with him, lie to my mom who always trusted me. She trusted me so much she would never ask ‘why’ when I called home during school to tell her to ignore phone call from school because I’m not going to a certain class. Half the time I wouldn’t even have to say ‘I didn’t eat so I’m going to have lunch instead of going to class’ or ‘I have to study for a test’. My mom trusted me, her daughter, so much, even though most Indian parents hardly trusted their daughters and don’t let them go out, mine did … and I totally betrayed that trust. I would feel guilty every night; the thought wouldn’t get out of my mind. The thoughts of who I was becoming was beginning to slowly eat me inside. Then I thought why not talk to the person who I supposedly trust so much and am doing all this for? He tells me he ‘loves me so much’ so why not. I talked to him many times about how I was feeling and he shot me down by saying I’m being selfish and thinking about myself.
Time went on, and my older brother started to get more into Sikhi. He would try to explain or have a conversation about Sikhi with me but I would just shoot him down and say ‘please don’t lecture me and let me live my life in peace’.
But … I was not at peace. Something inside me felt so empty. I thought I had everything any girl could ask for. I was being told I’m ‘pretty’, getting asked out constantly, made girls jealous, great marks in school, parents trust (even though I was fully betraying it), and a boyfriend. What more did I want? Isn’t that everything any girl could ask for in life? What more do you need to be ‘happy’ in life? I would ask myself these questions over and over again every night. I would lie awake and just think to myself what’s wrong with me? Why am I not ‘happy’? Why do I feel so empty inside? What’s missing in my life that I don’t already have?
My last year of high school, the year that would determine whether or not I would get into University. I slacked off and skipped many classes to spend time with my boyfriend. My marks dropped from 90’s to 80’s and even a few 70’s. I realized what I was doing and luckily it wasn’t too late. I got my marks back up and got into a great university. During my last year in high school I had a very negative attitude toward amritdharis because of a few individuals at my high school that would spread rumours about me. Seeing those few amritdharis, I made a stupid generalization and thought ‘if that’s how amritdharis are I don’t want to be like that and I’m fine the way I am now’. Was I wrong to have thought that …
During my first year in University, I met many inspirational Amritdhari Singhs (within the University as well as outside at other Universities). There weren’t any amritdhari Bibian except for one Bibi who was into Sikhi a lot and took Amrit afterwards. My brother was the President of the Sikh Students Association at the University and would try to get me involved and come out to events. During the first term, I would have to be dragged to each ‘Paath Session’. I would tell my brother to stop forcing me and I don’t want to go. I was afraid they would judge me because I wasn’t into Sikhi and knew very little. I felt intimidated at first and ashamed that maybe they think I’m some corrupt girl who doesn’t have any respect. Which i was very wrong to think because they all treated me with nothing but respect.They would treat me as an equal and never judged me for who I was. My brother and me were living together and he had a huge impact on me. We were getting closer than ever before. We would share our thoughts and feelings and help each other out. He would tell me about Sikhi and I would actually listen. I would ask him questions that I was debating in my mind, that I had doubts about and he would always answer in such a way that wasn’t just merely providing me with information, but the answers actually made me think and want to research myself to learn more about it. Unless I didn’t go and figure it out for myself, I didn’t feel satisfied with what I was being told because me being told information was all that it was, just a bunch of information. But to apply that information, I wanted to figure out ‘why’. For my second term at University they made me an exec for SSA and each day I found myself getting closer and closer to Sikhi. Each passing day my love for Sikhi grew stronger and stronger. I was feeling things I never felt before. I slowly began to realize what ‘true love’ is. I found myself falling in love with Sikhi.
I would share my feelings with a friend of mine who is an Amritdhari Sikh. Never once did this individual look down upon me because I wasn’t into Sikhi or Amritdhari. Never once did this individual judge me because I cut my hair, or did other things that others would consider non-Sikhi like. The only things that he did was encourage me and tell me more about Sikhi and answer some questions that I was hesitant to ask my brother since there are only a few things that you can discuss with your brother. I would lose track of time just listening to his talks about his love for Sikhi that I would sometimes not pick up my phone when my boyfriend called to say goodnight or message back online. My boyfriend was extremely jealous of my friend and would float the idea that he does not like me talking to him and would prefer if I stopped. He didn’t understand that I had mad amounts of respect for this individual and what I was falling in love with, wasn’t the individual, but his love and devotion that he had for Sikhi … something I wished and hoped I would have one day.
I had stopped telling my boyfriend I ‘love him’ because I realized what I ‘thought’ love was, wasn’t love at all. What I had with that guy was pure attachment since we had been together for 3 years and that’s how it was ‘supposed’ to be. I talked to him about my feelings towards Sikhi but he was a guy who wasn’t much into Sikhi at all. We would have heated arguments because he would say something extremely offensive about Sikhi without thinking about how wrong what he’s saying is. He would call me selfish because I was considering furthering my Sikhi and risking our future relationship. He broke up with because I was unwilling to compromise something that I felt was very dear to me and did not go along with my views. If I wasn’t willing to give that up, then I did not ‘love’ him as much as I used to say I did and was not willing to put all I had into our relationship. He would tell me it’s up to me which path I choose but I should always remember that I ‘ruined a guy’s life and that guy has lost faith in love and would never be able to love again because he put all he had into our relationship and made many sacrifices’. He did not understand that I also had sacrificed my mind and soul to Guru Ji and was too far in to back out.
There was something inside me that was growing at an incredible speed that helped me become a stronger person and choose a great path. My love for Sikhi helped me through many things and answered all my questions and cleared all my doubts. I didn’t find myself questioning myself from within every night anymore.
Inspirational people (whom I will not name to protect their egos ) helped me realize that no one else matters except for Guru Ji. I shouldn’t care what people on this Earth think of me because they’re here today, but there’s no guarantee they’ll be here when you take your next breath. Guru Ji will always be with you. Guru Ji has been with you from the moment you were created, he will be with you until the moment you’re destroyed, and will be with you forever beyond that.
After my second term at University (and during it) I began practicing to become a Sikh. The summer before my second year of University I started keeping strict Rehit.I realized Guru Ji was always with me; it was just my ignorance that I didn’t acknowledge him.My parents told me I’m not at a ‘good age’ to take Amrit and they forbid me to take it until THEY feel I am ready. After long discussions, they have accepted I am a mature and independent individual who is free to make her own decisions.
At work ('somewhere') I get a lot of people asking me about my religion. One man would always call me his ‘princess’ (in a daughterly way) and the first day I started covering my head at work he asked me ‘what’s up, why is your head covered?’ So I told him about Sikhi and what each of the 5 khakhaars mean. He listened and we had a very good conversation and when we were done he said to me ‘you know how I always call you my princess?’ and I said ‘uh huh?’ and he said ‘well now I have every reason to call you a princess because that is like a crown on you’re head and you are a true Princess now’. That totally made my day seeing how people give you mad amounts of respect for following what you believe and it was pretty emotional. Made me feel so great about myself and was an encouragment that made me more dedicated to follow this path.
I looked back at my life and saw what was missing. Guru Ji was missing in my life. He gave me many chances to look back to him but I ignored them and kept going on with my meaningless life. And finally now, Guru Ji found me and blessed me with the greatest gift of all, Sikhi.
With Guru Ji’s kirpa, I hope that day comes soon where I can give my head to Guru Ji.
Just random thoughts jotted down that came to me.
Bhul Chuk Maaf
(Please forgive this moorakh for any mistakes)
Anonymous Kaur
Vaheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Vaheguru Ji Ki Fateh !!
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Aside Note: This Singhnee's prayers were answered a little while after writing her story and she gave her head to her Beloved Guru Ji, she was blessed with Amrit.
